Empire of Our Own
by LexaDeservedBetter
Summary: Clarke and Lexa need to find a way to be together, without abandoning their people. This story continues from episode 3x07, without Lexa dying (aka what should have happened). It will be quite angsty, especially the first chapters. Rated M for future smut and violence. (I'm not very good at summaries, sorry) Also posted on archiveofourown, updates will be simultanious.
1. Chapter 1 - Please Don't Go

_So, this is my first fanfiction, I really hope you'll like it. I would really appreciate a review, positive or negative, I'm still learning anyway. Also, please point out any grammar/spelling mistakes if you find any. When speech is in italics, it is in Trigedasleng. I plan to publish a new chapter each week. Enjoy ;)_

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 **Chapter 1 - Please Don't Go**

With the ghost of a small, content smile still lingering on her face, Clarke opened the door to her room. Her mind was swirling with everything that happened. She was going to need some time to process it all, she thought to herself. She could still feel Lexa's lips on hers, she could still taste the salt of Lexa's tears on her tongue. The image of Lexa sitting on the bed before her, so extremely vulnerable, yet still so strong and powerful to her, kept crossing her mind.

As she entered the room however, her mind went back to the task of taking what little personal items she had here with her to Arkadia, and her smile disappeared. She was going to have to leave Lexa behind. And if it hadn't already been hard to imagine leaving her before she went to say goodbye, it sure was now. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to. It was the only way to help her people.

As she moved forward to retrieve her sketchbook, of course filled with sketches of Lexa, she suddenly spotted a dirty, limp figure on a chair next to her bed. Her eyes widened as she realized she recognized him. It was Murphy, tied up, gagged and with dried blood across his face and matted in his hair.

"Murphy?" She called out to him as she darted forward to check if he was okay.

She knelt down next to him and moved her hands to fumble with the chains around his wrists when she suddenly heard a voice in the back of her room say "He's alive."

She turned her head to see that Titus was standing next to the door, his face almost expressionless, like it usually was. She stared at him in confusion, her tone guarded as she spoke, the words coming out slowly.

"What did you do to my friend?"

"Your friend was caught stealing from people on their way to the Polis market," he replied, deliberately not answering Clarke's real question. Murphy stirred slightly at his words, so Clarke looked up at him again and began to undo the piece of cloth that was gagging him, desperate for answers.

"Hey – hey, you're okay," she spoke softly, but she was interrupted by Titus' firm voice.

"Please don't do that."

Clarke looked back towards Titus, only to see him move his left hand from behind his back and move to step closer towards them. She saw something grey glimmer in his hand and after a second, her eyes widened, the confused look being replaced by one of fear, as she saw that he was holding a gun.

Murphy also looked over at Titus while Clarke slowly rose to her feet, her hands raised at her sides. Her mind was racing. She knew she couldn't leave Murphy behind, but there was no way she would be able to unshackle him in time if Titus' intention was to hurt her. And from the look in his eyes, she quickly determined that that was exactly why he was here.

"Titus, what is this about?" Clarke tried to reason, while Titus continued to move forward.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this, Clarke. Truly, I am," he replied, still not halting his advance. She had to think of something, and she had to do it now. She tried again.

"Look – I'm leaving, right now. Octavia is waiting for me, just let me take Murphy and we'll go."

But it was to no avail. Titus had finally stopped moving forward, but Clarke could see he wasn't going to back down. Her body tensed up even more as her brain worked desperately to come up with a way to handle this. She just had to get Titus to listen. Before she got a chance to speak again, however, Titus spoke again.

"I wish I could," he said and Clarke saw the look in his eyes change. They became even more focused on her, an almost feral glint shining through.

He started to lift his arm and Clarke panicked when she saw the gun moving to point straight at her. This couldn't happen. Not now.

"Lexa would never execute her duty while you live," he continued, his voice becoming strained and Clarke desperately tried to think of something to say, something that would make him stop.

"Hey – Titus, think," she said, slightly out of breath from the adrenaline racing through her tensed body. "She's gonna know it was you."

She knew he would never want Lexa to know that he would hurt her so badly, so she tried. But his look never changed, and he didn't waver before he spoke again.

"She's gonna think it was him," he all but spat, pointing the gun in Murphy's direction. "A Skaikru weapon," he continued as he waved the gun. "In the hands of a Skaikru thief."

Clarke was desperate, desperate to come up with a solution, while in reality she knew that there were none. She would never be able to stop Titus if he thought he was doing right by his Commander. And Clarke could see in his face that that was exactly what he thought. But her thoughts were abruptly halted when he continued, his glare becoming impossibly stronger.

"She might even be angry enough to declare a war!" he bellowed and he fired, just as Clarke ducked down and behind the bed. She heard the bullet shoot through the sky, way too close to her, and it ricocheted from the bedpost just above her head.

She scrambled back up and turned around to hide behind the bed as he fired a second time, this time the bullet shattering a vase only inches behind her. She crawled forward and grabbed a stool which she threw towards Titus as she got up again, her eyes spotting the door.

She saw Titus falling down in the corner of her eye as the stool hit him, her mind barely able to register anything besides the gun still in firmly grasped his hand and the door that would, hopefully, get her to safety.

Clarke used the time that he was struggling to get back up to sprint for the door and quickly rip it open.

As she busted through the door, she ran straight into a strong body and two rigid arms quickly held her steady. At the same time, she heard another gunshot come from inside the room and a stabbing pain shot up her right leg. She whined in pain and collapsed into the body still holding her up.

When she looked up, she saw a pair of soft green eyes filled with confusion look down at her. She would recognize those eyes anywhere and she unconsciously relaxed into Lexa's touch. Her smell filled Clarke's nostrils and immediately those images from before flooded her mind again.

A sudden noise of something metal falling on the ground behind her brutally ripped her back to reality and she watched those beautiful eyes shift from her face to the scene behind Clarke. Clarke couldn't bring herself to take her gaze away from the face before her just yet, until she saw the confusion in Lexa's eyes disappear as understanding, then disbelief, then anger and a trace of hurt filled her eyes.

Clarke looked behind her to see Titus looking at his Heda with sorrowful eyes, the gun useless by his feet.

"Heda…" He whispered in a broken voice.

"Don't," Lexa said firmly.

He seemed to shrink back as he lowered his eyes to avoid her glare.

Her blazing eyes never leaving his face, she called out " _Guards!_ " and then softened her gaze as she looked back at the girl laying in her arms. Clarke also looked back up at her and, realizing she was putting almost all of her weight on Lexa, tried to stand up. However, as soon as she moved to position her right leg underneath her, she whimpered in pain as her body reminded her of the third gunshot that had sounded only moments before.

Lexa's eyes immediately filled with worry again, as she looked down Clarke's body to see what was causing her pain. Her gaze fixed on a spot just above Clarke's knee and Clarke saw her eyes widen in fear.

She looked down at her leg and was slightly taken aback by the amount of blood that had already soaked the leg of her pants and was slowly dripping onto the ground.

Lexa carefully slid her arms down Clarke's sides and slowly set her down on the ground, just as the guards she had called for came in.

" _Sha, Heda_?" One of them asked hesitantly, carefully regarding the scene in front of him.

As Clarke examined the wound more closely, she realized it wasn't as bad as it had seemed at first sight. The bullet had only grazed her lower thigh, and even though the pain was close to unbearable and blood was still seeping from the wound, it wouldn't have caused any major damage. It would probably leave a scar however, certainly with the lack of medical knowledge of the grounders.

She looked back up at Lexa's questioning eyes with a tiny smile and softly said "It's not too bad."

Relief filled Lexa's eyes, even though her worry was still evident on her features.

She straightened up however and looked at her guards, her expression hardening as she tried to erase the worry from her face.

Even now, Clarke thought, she still won't really admit it – admit what, exactly, she didn't know. Her feelings? The fact that she has them too? Her train of thought was halted as Lexa spoke again, her voice firm and cold.

" _Lock this man away and make sure he is guarded at all times,_ " she ordered as she glared at Titus again, who apparently hadn't moved since he dropped the gun.

He seemed to shrink back slightly at her harsh words, even though Clarke thought that if he had looked Lexa in the eye at that moment, like she was doing herself, he would have seen hurt and sorrow shooting across her features at the sight of him. Almost as soon as those emotions had appeared, however, they were gone again and Lexa continued to glare at him.

The guards eyed each other, slightly taken aback, seemingly wondering if their Commander was really ordering them to arrest him.

When Lexa realized that they weren't moving to obey her order, she shifted her glare to them and all but spat a harsh " _Now!_ "

That was enough to make the guards quickly move forward and take their places on either side of Titus, taking his arms and ushering him forward through the door. Lexa's and Titus' gazes locked and Titus, who seemed to be on the verge of tears, whispered " _Please, forgive me, Heda._ "

Lexa ignored his broken plea and simply continued to glare at him as he was taken away by the guards.

As the guards and Titus rounded the corner of the hallway and disappeared out of sight, Lexa sunk down next to Clarke, worry shooting through her emerald eyes as she looked from her face to the wound that was still bleeding, although it already seemed to be lessening. A soft chuckle escaped Clarke's lips at Lexa's sudden change in behavior and before she could think better of it, Lexa's eyes darted back up to her face again, confusion adding to the whirlwind of emotions shining behind her eyes. Clarke smiled again at Lexa's questioning gaze.

For a moment, she considered telling Lexa how adorable she looked, but then she saw a movement in the corner of her eye and remembered that Murphy was still tied up in her room.

She felt Lexa tense up again and she figured that Lexa had also just noticed Murphy. Her brows furrowed as she looked at the tied up figure and Clarke could almost hear her wondering what he was doing there.

"It's Murphy," she explained to Lexa.

Lexa still looked confused and guarded, so Clarke reassured her with a quiet "He's a friend."

At that, her own brows furrowed as well, and she wondered if she could really call Murphy her friend, considering everything that had happened between them.

But Lexa didn't really relax again, not even slightly, and she looked back at Clarke.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked, her eyes flickering across Clarke's face. But something had changed. Her expression seemed distant, worry still present in her eyes, but also something else, something much stronger, something Clarke couldn't quite decipher.

"Yes. I will need a healer though."

She smiled softly but hesitantly at Lexa, who kept her gaze trained on Clarke for a moment longer. Lexa then gave her a slight nod and she positioned Clarke with her back resting against the doorframe.

She stood up and walked over to Murphy, eyeing him suspiciously before untying him from the chair. A murmured "Thank you" came from him as he looked from Lexa to Clarke, feeling obviously awkward at the whole situation.

Lexa held his gaze for a few seconds before speaking. "Go find me the nearest guards and tell them we need a healer."

Even though Murphy's glare made it obvious he didn't like to be ordered around, he seemed relieved to be given an excuse to leave the two women alone. He quickly walked towards the door, his gaze shifting to Clarke for a second before stepping out of the room.

When he was gone, Clarke looked back up at Lexa, expecting to see relief, maybe even happiness, in her eyes, but instead, Lexa avoided her gaze.

"Lexa?" Clarke asked, hesitantly.

But Lexa didn't answer her, instead she seemed to be more focused on ignoring the girl in front of her. Her eyes flickered between the door and the floor of the room, anxiously waiting for the healer she'd sent Murphy to get.

Clarke's smile had now entirely disappeared from her face and instead confusion and hurt filled her eyes. "Lexa, look at me." She tried to say it firmly, but her voice was weak.

She saw Lexa cringe slightly at the obvious hurt in her voice, but still she refused to look at her.

"Please?" Clarke tried and Lexa quickly glanced at the girl on the floor, noticing that the bleeding seemed to have stopped. However, as soon as she'd seen that, her gaze left her again.

Clarke didn't understand what had suddenly gotten into her and the hurt was now clearly written on her face. She had seemed so worried when she found Clarke laying in her arms, only minutes before. Had she said something wrong?

She tried to look Lexa in the eye, tried to get an answer from the face she had learned to read these last couple of weeks. But her attempts came up empty and feeling defeated, she let her stare drop from Lexa's face to the ground as she let out a sigh.

Both women, enveloped in their thoughts, jumped slightly as one of Lexa's most trusted healers walked in and looked at her expectantly. Without looking at her, Lexa waved her hand in Clarke's direction and said " _Help her._ "

Clarke felt tears well up in her eyes at Lexa's cold, almost careless display. She whimpered softly in pain as the healer carefully touched her wound and confirmed that it was easily treatable. Through her blurry vision, Clarke couldn't see the way Lexa winced each time Clarke whined or groaned in pain while the healer was working on her.

As the healer finished wrapping bandages around the wound, Clarke noticed Lexa walking towards them and she quickly wiped away her yet unshed tears. She couldn't bring herself to look up at Lexa, who came to a halt as the healer stood and put away the left over bandages. " _Will she be alright?_ "

At any other time, Clarke would have smiled at the question, at Lexa's soft tone and at the fact that she wanted to be sure Clarke was alright. But now, all Clarke could focus on was her rigid pose and lack of affection in her eyes.

What did I do wrong? Clarke wrecked her brain to see at what point everything they had achieved seemed to have simply vanished again. What had made Lexa become all closed off and ignorant of the hurt clearly displayed on her face? She had to make this right, she knew, but to do that, she needed Lexa to look at her, to acknowledge her. And she just wouldn't.

" _Sha, Heda. She will need to rest for a week, however._ "

Lexa seemed unable to even dismiss the healer after he had spoken.

Clarke's mind felt dizzy from all the thoughts swirling through it. Did Lexa not want to be alone with her? After all that had just happened? Lexa had laid out her feelings for Clarke to see, no more than an hour ago, and now it seemed like none of that ever happened. Had it not happened? Had she fallen asleep somewhere, had it all been a dream? A nightmare? But if so, why could she still so clearly recall the feeling of Lexa's lips on hers, why could she still taste the salt of Lexa's tears on her tongue? Why did the image of Lexa sitting on the bed before her, so extremely vulnerable, yet still so strong and powerful, keep crossing her mind, if it hadn't been real? It must have been real. It _had_ been real. So why did Lexa make it seem like it wasn't?

She should talk to Lexa. She _had_ to. So instead of waiting for Lexa to dismiss her healer, who was looking at her with a look of hesitant confusion, she took the lead.

"Please, leave us," she spoke softly, in a tired voice, and the healer looked towards her, then back to Lexa, who gave him a slight nod. He quickly turned and walked passed Clarke through the door, leaving the two women alone in the room once more. A very, very quiet room. Too quiet.

The silence was driving out Clarke's thoughts, it was making her head spin and feel mushy, so she leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes, defeated, tired. She desperately needed that silence to be broken, she needed Lexa to say something, anything, that would tell her what she had done wrong and more importantly, how to fix it. She had to _fix_ it. They had had it. That moment in Lexa's bedroom had been _it_ for them. Clarke had finally been able to forgive Lexa. No, no, that wasn't what happened. In that moment, Clarke had finally been able to _acknowledge_ that she had _already_ forgiven Lexa. And now it was gone. And she didn't know how to fix it. _She had to fix it_.

Lexa, however, seemed to be in no rush to break that silence. Instead, she walked over to Clarke and knelt down beside her.

Clarke looked up at her expectantly, hopeful.

But green didn't meet blue. Closed off, guarded, unreadable green didn't meet hurt, confused, defeated blue.

Lexa moved one arm around Clarke shoulders and the other underneath her legs, careful not to touch the fresh bandages. Clarke shivered underneath her cold touch. But Lexa's hands were warm and yet still, she was cold.

Lexa picked her up slowly and walked over to the bed, her gaze trained forward.

She carefully laid Clarke down on the soft furs and as she moved her hands away, Clarke tried to hold her wrist, but her arm was weak, her grasp not strong enough to hold Lexa into place.

Lexa seemed to shrink back from the touch, strong emotions flashing across her features. It didn't last long enough for Clarke to understand what it had been. Lexa stood up and looked at Clarke, seemed to look at every part of her except for her eyes. Why wouldn't she look her in the eye?

But Clarke knew the answer, she just didn't like it. If Lexa looked her in the eye, she wouldn't be able to hold her guard up. Clarke would be able to read her, and they both knew that.

"Do you need anything, Clarke?" It was distant, cold, empty.

Except for the way her voice broke ever so slightly as she spoke her name.

Except for the way her lip trembled from the force of held back words fighting to be spoken.

Clarke shook her head, the action causing her mind to spin again, her vision turning blurry. Or was that because of the wetness slowly running down her cheek?

She closed her eyes in an effort to remain calm, but when she opened them again, panic rushed over her, making her eyes widen, making her breath hitch in her throat, making her chest tighten as if a boulder had suddenly been dropped on it.

Lexa was walking towards the door.

Lexa was walking away from her. Again.

Again, she was going to be alone. Again, it had all been for nothing. Again, Lexa showed her how love was weakness.

Except that it _wasn't_. She knew that now.

She would fix it. And now was her chance to do that.

She forced the words out, forced herself to breathe again, because it had to be done now. Before Lexa walked out that door. _Now_.

"Lexa!"

The name was familiar on her tongue, the mere sound of it calming her breathing ever so slightly.

She stopped. Clarke breathed again.

"Lexa, please don't go…"

It was a mere whisper, a broken plea, but Lexa heard. Clarke knew she heard. And now she was going to have to wait for her to respond. It was up to Lexa now. And Clarke knew, that Lexa knew that too.

The silence seemed to go on forever. Nothing changed.

So Clarke decided to let her own guard down completely.

She had already opened herself up to Lexa in a way she'd never done before. Not to her mother, not to her father, not to anyone. And now she was going to throw her feelings out there on the floor in between them. All of them. Every last one of them.

She was going to throw them out there for Lexa to stomp on, to crush, to rip apart.

She was going to give Lexa the chance to break her in a way that she would never be able to fix again.

But for some reason, it didn't feel like weakness. It felt like the opposite. So she said it. Now, before it would be too late.

"I want you, Lexa, only you."

The silence that formed after that was so close to unbearable that Clarke felt new tears well up in her eyes. At that moment, she thought that she might have screwed up completely. What if she had only driven Lexa away even further now? What if Lexa would break her, right here, right now? She wouldn't be able to fix herself. She knew that.

And then, Lexa turned around.

Green met blue.

Pained, desperate green met hurt, hopeful blue.

Clarke's mind was unable to register Lexa moving forward and then her mind blanked out completely as Lexa's lips were back on hers, desperate, anxious, loving. The mixture of their salty tears a bittersweet reminder of all the hardship, all the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the cruelty, the brokenness between the two of them and in their world, but at that moment, all that was forgotten. It was just Lexa's lips on hers.

As they broke apart for air, their breathing heavy, desperate, teary green searched for permission in just as desperate, teary, reassuring blue.

And they crashed back together, the ground meeting the sky, and for a moment, that was all there was. Only their lips on each other's, only their hands clawing desperately at each other, tangling in their hair.

There was only them, and for once, that was okay.

For once, they were free.

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 _So, I hope you liked it, please leave a review, it would mean a lot to me. If you're still wondering why Lexa acted the way she did, don't worry, it will be explained in the next chapter. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2 - Things I'll Never Say

_So, I know that this chapter is a bit short, but it didn't feel right to put the second and third chapter together. So, that's why. I hope you like it, please leave a review, I'd really appreciate it :) I forgot to mention the last time, the chapter titles are names of songs on my Clexa playlist. The first chapter was Please Don't Go by Joel Adams and this title is Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne._

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 **Chapter 2 - Things I'll Never Say**

Clarke woke up as sunlight shone down upon the bed through the large window in her room. She blinked her eyes against the brightness and shifted her body slightly to try to escape it. It was then that she felt soft legs tangled with her own underneath the furs and a steady breathing against her neck.

She stilled again as she reveled in the soft touch of Lexa's hand on her bare hip and Lexa's front pressed against her back. Even though she'd rather never leave the bed again, she knew she should talk to Lexa. She let out a deep sigh.

After a few more minutes of enjoying their positions, Clarke shifted so she was facing Lexa who was yet to wake up. Seeing Lexa so relaxed and peaceful was definitely one of the most gorgeous things she had ever seen, the blonde thought to herself. It had only been the first time they had actually shared a bed while sleeping, and Clarke would be lying if she said she wouldn't love waking up to this sight every day, for the rest of her life. The Commander of the Blood was gone, and in this moment there was only Lexa, young, beautiful and peaceful.

Clarke was somewhat taken aback by how young she looked. It had already been surprising to her to see her without her warpaint or when she smiled at Clarke, but with the way she looked now, Clarke figured Lexa wouldn't be much older than she was.

As much as she enjoyed the sight before her, she couldn't stop herself from moving forward to leave a trail of feather light kisses along Lexa's jaw, eventually moving to her soft lips as Lexa started to rouse from her sleep.

After a few moments, she felt a small smile forming on Lexa's lips, and the hand that had been on her hip moved up slowly, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Lexa started to kiss her back when her hand reached Clarke's face and cupped her cheek.

Both girls sighed into the kiss as they once again forgot everything around them. The kiss was slow, gentle, a tongue occasionally stroking the other's lips. Lexa's other hand moved to Clarke's waist and pulled her slightly on top of her, bringing their bodies flush together. They melted into each other's embrace and Clarke couldn't help but moan softly at how good it felt to have Lexa so close to her.

When Clarke broke them apart for air, Lexa gently pulled Clarke's bottom lip between her teeth, a slight whimper escaping her at the loss of contact. Clarke rolled completely on top of Lexa, placing her elbows on either side of Lexa to support her weight. She looked at the girl beneath her, her soft, brown hair splayed across the furs.

Lexa blinked a few times, drowning in Clarke's blue eyes. They reminded her of the ocean, and she made a mental note to take the blonde there sometime. Without breaking their eye contact, Lexa reached up and stroked her thumb over Clarke's cheek and then to her lips, once again overwhelmed by the absolute beauty of the Sky girl.

Her hand moved up to tangle in Clarke's hair at the back of neck and pull her in for another kiss again. This time it was more urgent, most of their sleep driven away by now, and Lexa longed to stay in this bed forever with the girl of her dreams in her arms.

Clarke's hands moved to her back as sat up in Lexa's lap, her hands gently willing the other girl to sit up with her. As Lexa moved into a sitting position, she moved her lips to Clarke's jaw, trailing kisses up to her ear. Clarke let out a soft whimper as Lexa softly sucked at the skin of her neck, right beneath her ear.

Lexa let her hands drop to Clarke's hands drawing tiny circles against the skin of her lower back and took them in her own. She sensed that Clarke wouldn't have simply forgotten about the way she had acted after the shooting and, Clarke being Clarke, would probably want to talk about it. Even though Lexa would much rather let her hands roam freely over the girls flawless body than having to express her feelings in words, she restrained herself by threading their fingers together and placing their hands in her lap.

Before she moved her lips away from Clarke's ear however, she softly whispered to her what she hadn't able to express yesterday when Clarke told her.

"I want you too, Clarke."

She then moved her head back and searched the other girl's eyes as she let out a deep breath. Instead of answering her, Clarke's eyes filled with tears and she visibly swallowed as she moved forward to place a lingering kiss on Lexa's cheek.

"Thank you," she whispered, resting their foreheads together.

Lexa felt as though her heart swelled in her chest, causing a light feeling to spread through her whole body. She decided in that moment that Clarke's morning voice was the most gorgeous sound she'd ever heard. Her raspy voice was even more husky than usual, conveying so much emotion in just two simple words. She swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump forming in her throat.

"Do you need to talk?" She asked softly, not wanting to break this moment just yet. She looked up at the girl still in her lap, feeling vulnerable but at the same time safe, wanting to always be able to be this close to her.

Clarke searched her eyes, feeling nothing but admiration for her. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought of Lexa being able to know exactly what she needed. She took one of her hands still tangled with one of Lexa's up to her lips and placed a soft kiss on the back of Lexa's hand. Lexa watched her intently, loving every moment she got to spend with the girl.

"We should. Talk, I mean," Clarke replied, lowering their hands into Lexa's lap again.

Lexa's gaze was fixed on her for a few more moments, before she nodded slowly, shifting to lie back down on her side again. Clarke, following her lead, laid down too, facing Lexa while keeping their hands entwined and placing them between their bodies.

Clarke unconsciously let out a deep sigh before she spoke, her soft eyes fixed on Lexa's. "I need to know why, Lexa. Why did you suddenly ignore me?" She said, swallowing hard at the lump in her throat and attempting to blink away the tears that blurred her vision.

Lexa watched her carefully, being a bit better at controlling her own emotions, but she too felt tears start to burn behind her eyes at the sight of the girl struggling in front of her. She just wanted to kiss Clarke and make her forget everything, to just be happy together and not let anything or anyone get in between them. But she also knew that this had to be done, that Clarke deserved to know why.

"I thought ̶ ," she continued, her voice breaking and she took a deep breath to calm herself. "I thought that you lo ̶ " But she stopped herself, snapping her mouth shut abruptly, because Lexa hadn't said it yet. She almost had, when Clarke told her she was sorry for leaving, but she didn't. Her words kept ringing through Clarke's mind. _'Don't be. You have to go back, they're your people. That why I l ̶ '_. Clarke knew what she was going to say, but she didn't know why she didn't say it eventually. Did she not feel that way, maybe? _'That's why you're you'_.

She stopped her train of thought as she saw Lexa's eyes widen and her body tense up. Clarke could see she was trying to shut herself off again.

"Lexa," she said firmly, holding her greens eyes captive with her stare. "I need you to talk to me."

Lexa wrecked her brain, wondering what to do, whether to choose to stop all this now, like she, being the Commander, should, or to open herself up to the girl before her, like she, being Lexa, wanted to.

Clarke watched the emotions flicker across Lexa's face, watched her furrow her brows, watched her eyes intently watching Clarke's. After a few moments, her contorted face settled on a somewhat more relaxed expression, though Clarke could still feel that her body was tense and Lexa's eyes couldn't fully hide her fear.

She swallowed hard, then spoke softly, her voice breaking slightly. "I do, Clarke, I really do. But I ̶ " She stopped, trying to fight back her tears, her mind racing and her heartrate through the roof. She had always been taught not to open herself up to anyone. And so far, every time she did do that, she had ended up being broken. She had lost her parents, she had lost Costia and now her position as Commander was endangered because she had listened to the girl before her, now waiting for her to continue.

"Love is weakness," she blurted out, her eyes widening in fear, both from expressing how she felt and from possibly hurting Clarke again.

Clarke, however, was unresponsive and unreadable, her eyes moving over Lexa's face, taking in every little detail. Lexa felt like she was unable to breath, desperately waiting for Clarke to say something, _anything_. Her eyes darted across the blondes face only inches away, searching for a sign that she hadn't screwed things up completely, _again_.

Then, after what felt like hours, Clarke untangled her hands from Lexa's and slowly moved them up to cup her cheeks. She stared into the green eyes that were looking back at her, fear, desperation and hope swirling just below the surface.

"No, it's not," she told her. Her voice was firm, despite the single tear slowly running down her cheek. "It's the opposite, Lexa. Haven't you realized we're stronger together?"

Lexa let out a deep sigh she didn't realize she was holding, her fear turning into hope. "But Titus tried to kill you, Clarke," she breathed, a tear slipping from her eye as those words hit her. "It's not safe for you to be with me," she explained further, not entirely sure whether she wanted the blonde to agree or not.

But of course, Clarke rarely agreed with her. She sighed and wiped at the tears slowly descending down Lexa's cheeks.

"This whole world isn't safe, Lexa. Besides, when I'm with you ̶ " she hesitated, but then decided that Lexa deserved to know, so she continued. "Only when I'm with you, I feel completely safe."

The words hit Lexa hard and her chest suddenly felt constricted. _Clarke felt the same way_. Her mind raced, fighting over what to do. She could almost hear Titus lecturing her again. _'Don't make her pay the price for your mistakes as Costia did'_. But he had been wrong, right? Clarke just told her. And he had shown, yesterday, that he would hurt her, his Commander. _'Attack her and you attack me'_. He was wrong, and Clarke was right. Or not? She couldn't have Clarke get hurt because of her. Not again. But Clarke said that she only felt safe with her.

Lexa fought back more tears, hating herself for finding it so hard to decide. Hating herself for being the Commander and not just Lexa, they would have never had these problems if she had just been Lexa. But then again, they would have probably never met, had she not been the Commander.

But now, she decided that she, for once, was going to be Lexa, not the Commander. She decided that now, she was going to be honest, no matter how much that would hurt her. Because if she wouldn't be honest right now, she would lose Clarke too – she knew that. She would rather die protecting Clarke than lose her now, because of what she'd been told all her life by a man who would willingly hurt the – dare she say it? – love of her life. Clarke was right, she could feel it within her heart. Love is not weakness.

"I feel safe when I'm with you, too," she said, her eyes desperately staring into Clarke's, wanting to forever drown in that ocean of blue. Lexa saw a tiny smile tug at the corners of Clarke's lips as she closed the few inches of space between them, pressing a tender kiss to Lexa's lips. It was short, too short for either girl's liking, but it conveyed the meaning of a thousand words.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. I already have an idea as to where this story will go and I think that will take quite some time, so I expect to write many chapters. All I can promise is that they will eventually have a happy ending, and that I actually keep my promises (not talking about anyone in particular, ahem, JRoth...) So, please leave a review! I'll update again as soon as possible ;)_


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